Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
