flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Come share oat with me in your robe
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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