Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
