I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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