Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
