I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We left the knife in your bed.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
