connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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