Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
