I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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