I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
