I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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