Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
