Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
