New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
