it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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