Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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