thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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