I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
