I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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