Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
