I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you had me at cake vodka
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
