if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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