Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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