I just pynch a tree in the face
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My ATM looks so different sober.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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