do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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