i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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