Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
