woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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