things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
