RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
