Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
