So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
is wine microwaveable?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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