Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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