I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
