I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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