Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize