I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I want her autograph on my taint
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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