I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
