there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
