Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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