I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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