I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
