omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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