all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
