I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
