The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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