I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
