she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
