I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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