Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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