i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
