Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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