Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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